The Secret Hurt: Exposing the Visceral Nature of Whiteness in the Academy

This article presents an autoethnographic reflection from three education scholars-a white man, a Latinx woman, and a Black woman-on the institutional presence of whiteness in the academy. We started developing this reflection when jointly conducting a study of faculty and students of color in a predominantly white institution (PWI). Ongoing discussion of that study's interviews and themes led us to write about how that work affected us personally. As our reflection progressed and we continued to analyze what we wrote, what started as a reflection on conducting race research became a set of narratives about our experiences with whiteness in the academy more broadly. We share those narratives to highlight the visceral nature of whiteness, i.e., the emotional weight and harm of whiteness' looming presence in the academy. We also explore how the research act-when conducted as critical, collaborative autoethnography-can serve as a form of antiracist community building and help carve out space for speaking back to the othering and silencing white narratives of white racial spaces like PWIs.