Purpose In this paper, the author reflects on her researcher experiences of attempting to construct co-productive epistemic relations in her ethnographic doctoral research about a gallery youth collective. The paper engages with debates about the nature of co-productive relations, advocating for a more affective approach which attends to multiple, temporary moments within the research, rather than seeking a grand or unified process of collaboration. Design/methodology/approach This methodological paper draws on the records and reflections the author generated in the process of undertaking collaborative ethnographic research, considered with a specific theoretical resource (Lauren Berlant's Cruel Optimism (2011)) to construct a reflexive narrative from her doctoral research experiences. Findings The paper discusses the multiple, shifting ways in which research relationships unfolded in my doctoral research and the impasse this generated in the author's understanding of desirable co-productive relations. Reflecting with Berlant's Cruel Optimism (2011) allowed the author to understand the Covid-19 crisis as the rupture of the author's attachment to this relational fantasy. Beyond this rupture, the author was able to more fully attend to fleeting, affective moments as a form of co-production within the research. Originality/value The paper contributes to the growing anthology of critical and reflexive narratives about co-production; these collectively provide a resource for researcher reflection and for teaching about collaborative practices.
