The justice of intimacy - Beyond the golden rule

I find that the process of couples therapy is marked by frequent judgments and accusations regarding "fairness" and "justice," reflecting Our cultural belief in the principle of the golden rule. Personification of self as autonomous, emphasized by Sullivan and underlined by a particularly American emphasis on individual independence, reinforces the couple's salient emphasis oil responsibility and moral behavior. However, a preoccupation with "fairness" often masks anxiety about the extent to which we are vulnerable to need and influence in intimate relationships, and to profound difficulties in connecting to another. A therapist can help expand the couple's relationship discourse, while recognizing the complexity of value implications in moving beyond the frame of the golden rule. This expansion is viewed through the lens of psychoanalytic, systemic, and attachment theory. I illustrate my thinking with a brief clinical vignette.